Abaar Daekha Hobe

Its strange how i look at my previous posts and feel that they are either rotten, or too 16 yr old for a 22 year old.


In the next two days, ill be off to Delhi, to begin my M.A. final year. I donot know if i'd be writing on this blog , again.
My life in Delhi hardly allows a time-out.
College to Office to Hostel.
In other words, Mess to Mess to mess.

I have been thinking and not-thinking since the last time i wrote on you.
Days passed, i chucked plans, postponed tickets, fought more, met an astrologer, cried, laughed, sat whistling in the rain, oiled my hair, ate watermelons, over-ate, smoked hookah, missed a few people, broke-up, stood alone, stood together, dreamt and others.

The two month kolkata stay has been hectic more than any thing else, but a coming of age.The glam factor is worn out, and i know that no place can give me inner peace. NO PLACE. Its something that i have been looking for. Maybe i could buy it, if i get it.
I am travelling back to the city with a cluttered head, much like how it has been since the time i left home. Im travelling back with more uncertainity. However, the difference this time- I shall let it be.
If things dont go my way anyway, why push?

Its almost like i feel my zombie-ness, almost like im depressed beyond the word depressed. But it doesnot matter. I will have to live on.

Good health- something that i wish deeply for, now.

Wish me luck Blog.
Wish me that i return to you, healthy,happy,and in a year-not because of anything else, but because i'd be successfully done with my Masters by then.

?!

Ok,
MY HEAD IS VERY CLUTTERED, AND I HAVE NO REAL ANYONE TO SPEAK TO.(as usual)


I will write to you.


1)I fought with my grandma again today morning.i want to mend things, and im unable to.Im trying hard to be this matured woman, im failing, each day. Can you help ? Please? I want to normalise life at home.Please help.i love her.DAMMIT.
2)i dont want dadu to die before my masters finishes.im selfish?yes.I dont want to give up on 2 yrs of blood and sweat. does that mean i dont love him? I want to see him alive too.
3)i dont know if i like delhi or kolkata.If i want to stay in delhi or kolkata.i dont know where i belong to.Can i be told?
4)I dont understand pb. is he the right person? why cant i be loved by this one person? can i be answered?
5)i want to turn 30, right now.RIGHT NOW. i will know how to deal with things in a better manner.
i want to age, mentally?

Nasty Indigestion

I dont know if i'd be largely understood here.
But, i shall write anyway.

Ok, so here goes.

I like to normalize things.(well,yeah?)
i mean, i'd like for life to just be straight cut, and not meander too much,anymore,for me.

I'd like to wake up, feeling non-heavy.And get going with a zombie like day, that ends neatly with a 10pm i'm-off-to-bed agenda.
But sadly, or usually, this is not how it goes.

I want to convey things in a way, but end up maneuvering them the other side.
I want to say, i love you, i end up saying, Thankgod no body loves you.
I want to say , i want to be here, i end up saying, I'd go back.

Further to this tragedy, i managed to pull up am extraordinary fight with my grandmum last night(the second time in a month) on tv watching. I pulled up gory details on family know-hows and made up a delicious mess out of rumblings.

I cannot help but think that im a confused block of undigested mustard right now, someone who just cannot figure out the "want" in her life. I want to convey something or nothing(mostly) and end up saying the weird things or a lot of other many weirder things(mostly).

I am anything but sorted, right now.
Also, and but, im happy that my month long internship with HT kolkata ends today.
ill not be exposed to ill-thinking(or non thinking) folks around here.and would like to happily forget that i harbored a liking towards the harry potter lookalike in the team.

Anyhow, back to what i started writing about,i need to understand and find out about what i like about staying in kolkata? Because clearly,staying here isn't the most awesome vacation, to begin with.
Im pretty much on the do-it-yourself mode here. My grandpys are old enough to not cater to the perfect vacation help guide menu dummy parenters.

They fight with me. Dadu doesnot speak.
Its more stress,more conflict,more irritability and more block thinking for me here, and all the random anonymity,just doesnot work anymore. I know atleast more than a few people here now. Thanks to this one month, NOT-SO-FANCY media jerk-off job.

I need to speculate on the why of kol, while i almost simultaneously deal with the how of delhi.
I wonder if i really need a complete full stop? not atleast for the next one year though.
Im acting extremely disgusting right now,i know it; but try dealing with semi colons each hour? you'll know what i feel.

To Do , With Love.

I was walking back home yesterday, after having had a very long and hectic one at that.
I met a few estranged, shallow, weird facebook friends and common friends and one "real" friend (real for the reason that facebook hadn't acted as an intermediary between us), and was travelling back home after having had a fairly bad meet.(with a hurt on my toe and a sucky place Behala).

All the way i was overcome by this unconquerable slothfulness.

Thinking of different things, of different people, looking at the world around me. A world provided to be my birth, but not chosen for me.

Thinking of how i need to tell Shibham that i dont love him.He is not compatible to me,no matter how much he thinks otherwise.
How i need to tell Rony, that she needs to just grow up now.
How i need to tell some of my friends back in Delhi to make it a hospitable place for me, atleast for the next one year.
How i need to figure out my finances and clothes and necessities well, before i start packing to go back.
How i need to tell Faiz that i dont want him to be wasting his time on me, and that he is one of the best human beings in the world.
How i need to go home and sit in my maxi, watch tv while i dirty the sofa with mango pulp,and clean it with my babul's saree , without trying to hide it.
How i need to tell babul and dadu both, that i just cant sleep with both of them on the same bed, coz both keep pushing me there sides, and i keep waking up.
How i need to buy more cucumber, because i have been eating cucumber, more than i eat tomatoes.
How i need to fix the other radio, so that i could sleep to music.
How i need to let Priyabrata know that he may be 30, but he is just 22, when it comes to knowing others.
How i need to meet Mitro aunty more often, now that a month is gone, and im nearing my days back to Delhi.
How i need to talk to her, and ask her to adopt me.
How i need to buy a guitar, and get a tattoo,maybe.
How i need to slap the guy in the metro, i have been seeing, and tell him, that he's an absolute loser, because he likes me.
How i need to stop behaving clumsy, and get on with collecting my strewn articles across the house and look for my delhi bags.
How i need to take babul and dadu out on a ride , before i leave.
How i need to make them understand, that i do love them, and dont think of this house, as a motel,or a rest house.
How i need to sit on the window pane and wait for rain.
How i need to lose weight.
How i need to know my mother.
How i need to do away with a blankness of memory, on her.
How i need to take care of this house, once babul and dadu are dead.
How i think i will not marry,ever.
How i will be all alone in the house, when everyone's dead.
Of whether ill have enough money to keep the maintenance going?
How i need to take a little rest, i have been running too far.


Suddenly, this person from the queue, turns around, asks me.
"are you single?"
I look at him and say, "umm?"
He says, "I mean, are you alone?"
I look around me, and stammer to say"ye-..".
he continues "The auto has space for one more person, and smiles".

I walk away zombily.I was scared that the guy almost got me, until i realized that my stereotypes for a bong guy's linguistic capacity had just gotten proved right.

Sometimes being a grammatical retard helps.