Will be right back!

When i was speaking about this "viral" in the last post, little did i know that i would be taken up/ pursued by the Chiken pox virus.

SCREW YOU CP.

Moving on, i dont quite like it, but i dont absolutely loathe it.
I'm at home ( no- thats not why) , im eating icecream ( no, not that too).

I think i'm free (enough) to sit at home and listen to some good songs on you tube- yes, that's right. I'm 22- go kill yourself.

I'M WORKING FROM HOME!

no- i shouldnot sound happy.
especially because my xmas got spent watching "how i met your mother"- and their xmas series- how fitting! *whatever weirdo*.

I really want my new year to work out. REALLY.DO.SOMETHIN? SOME-THING?
Anyway, i dont know if i'm going to be writing again before i leave for Delhi to complete my final semester (MA)(WOOHOO).

The break hasn't been great- i got CP?!?!
BUT , hasnot been all that bad, i'v been home all through, lazying, making a vacation- a vacation. NOT STRESSING with the everyday!

Love you bony:) , I hope i complete my Masters (in english literature)really well, and come back home with flying colours!..to begin with a new exciting amazing journey:)

Cio untill then!

Well,come.

So hello.

A new semester to begin, a new five months to deal with, and what one's getting- is a mere three weeks (in between) to unwind.

Why bother? *teen hafte bhi kyun diyen yaar?*

Anyway, i find myself parked in Kolkata for the time being, with a bloody viral-fever to celebrate my arrival-mind you. As dramatic, as I am.This is stressing.

Dadu may have to undergo an operation, but there are various discourses to whether or not he should or would need to. This is stressing.

My train journey to kolkata was NAICE.
I had an Iraqi playing "killtheAmerican" on his some flashy *wai wai* gaming keyboard. I also had two turks talking about crystals and flirting with any random woman they saw or met (i was not an exception), a Bangladeshi family, an annoying kid (are kids ALWAYS annoying?), and a very quiet (or i dont know) Assamese.

I dont have much to write about, just right now, apart from venting about how i dont have any system to operate from , here , in my Kolkata branch office.This is stressing.

I also , had,i think, lost a lot of weight, last month-thanks to the exam stress. But i think, i'v begun to put on, again.(Will i ever be please stable?)This is stressing.

Okay,bye.

Abaar Daekha Hobe

Its strange how i look at my previous posts and feel that they are either rotten, or too 16 yr old for a 22 year old.


In the next two days, ill be off to Delhi, to begin my M.A. final year. I donot know if i'd be writing on this blog , again.
My life in Delhi hardly allows a time-out.
College to Office to Hostel.
In other words, Mess to Mess to mess.

I have been thinking and not-thinking since the last time i wrote on you.
Days passed, i chucked plans, postponed tickets, fought more, met an astrologer, cried, laughed, sat whistling in the rain, oiled my hair, ate watermelons, over-ate, smoked hookah, missed a few people, broke-up, stood alone, stood together, dreamt and others.

The two month kolkata stay has been hectic more than any thing else, but a coming of age.The glam factor is worn out, and i know that no place can give me inner peace. NO PLACE. Its something that i have been looking for. Maybe i could buy it, if i get it.
I am travelling back to the city with a cluttered head, much like how it has been since the time i left home. Im travelling back with more uncertainity. However, the difference this time- I shall let it be.
If things dont go my way anyway, why push?

Its almost like i feel my zombie-ness, almost like im depressed beyond the word depressed. But it doesnot matter. I will have to live on.

Good health- something that i wish deeply for, now.

Wish me luck Blog.
Wish me that i return to you, healthy,happy,and in a year-not because of anything else, but because i'd be successfully done with my Masters by then.

?!

Ok,
MY HEAD IS VERY CLUTTERED, AND I HAVE NO REAL ANYONE TO SPEAK TO.(as usual)


I will write to you.


1)I fought with my grandma again today morning.i want to mend things, and im unable to.Im trying hard to be this matured woman, im failing, each day. Can you help ? Please? I want to normalise life at home.Please help.i love her.DAMMIT.
2)i dont want dadu to die before my masters finishes.im selfish?yes.I dont want to give up on 2 yrs of blood and sweat. does that mean i dont love him? I want to see him alive too.
3)i dont know if i like delhi or kolkata.If i want to stay in delhi or kolkata.i dont know where i belong to.Can i be told?
4)I dont understand pb. is he the right person? why cant i be loved by this one person? can i be answered?
5)i want to turn 30, right now.RIGHT NOW. i will know how to deal with things in a better manner.
i want to age, mentally?

Nasty Indigestion

I dont know if i'd be largely understood here.
But, i shall write anyway.

Ok, so here goes.

I like to normalize things.(well,yeah?)
i mean, i'd like for life to just be straight cut, and not meander too much,anymore,for me.

I'd like to wake up, feeling non-heavy.And get going with a zombie like day, that ends neatly with a 10pm i'm-off-to-bed agenda.
But sadly, or usually, this is not how it goes.

I want to convey things in a way, but end up maneuvering them the other side.
I want to say, i love you, i end up saying, Thankgod no body loves you.
I want to say , i want to be here, i end up saying, I'd go back.

Further to this tragedy, i managed to pull up am extraordinary fight with my grandmum last night(the second time in a month) on tv watching. I pulled up gory details on family know-hows and made up a delicious mess out of rumblings.

I cannot help but think that im a confused block of undigested mustard right now, someone who just cannot figure out the "want" in her life. I want to convey something or nothing(mostly) and end up saying the weird things or a lot of other many weirder things(mostly).

I am anything but sorted, right now.
Also, and but, im happy that my month long internship with HT kolkata ends today.
ill not be exposed to ill-thinking(or non thinking) folks around here.and would like to happily forget that i harbored a liking towards the harry potter lookalike in the team.

Anyhow, back to what i started writing about,i need to understand and find out about what i like about staying in kolkata? Because clearly,staying here isn't the most awesome vacation, to begin with.
Im pretty much on the do-it-yourself mode here. My grandpys are old enough to not cater to the perfect vacation help guide menu dummy parenters.

They fight with me. Dadu doesnot speak.
Its more stress,more conflict,more irritability and more block thinking for me here, and all the random anonymity,just doesnot work anymore. I know atleast more than a few people here now. Thanks to this one month, NOT-SO-FANCY media jerk-off job.

I need to speculate on the why of kol, while i almost simultaneously deal with the how of delhi.
I wonder if i really need a complete full stop? not atleast for the next one year though.
Im acting extremely disgusting right now,i know it; but try dealing with semi colons each hour? you'll know what i feel.

To Do , With Love.

I was walking back home yesterday, after having had a very long and hectic one at that.
I met a few estranged, shallow, weird facebook friends and common friends and one "real" friend (real for the reason that facebook hadn't acted as an intermediary between us), and was travelling back home after having had a fairly bad meet.(with a hurt on my toe and a sucky place Behala).

All the way i was overcome by this unconquerable slothfulness.

Thinking of different things, of different people, looking at the world around me. A world provided to be my birth, but not chosen for me.

Thinking of how i need to tell Shibham that i dont love him.He is not compatible to me,no matter how much he thinks otherwise.
How i need to tell Rony, that she needs to just grow up now.
How i need to tell some of my friends back in Delhi to make it a hospitable place for me, atleast for the next one year.
How i need to figure out my finances and clothes and necessities well, before i start packing to go back.
How i need to tell Faiz that i dont want him to be wasting his time on me, and that he is one of the best human beings in the world.
How i need to go home and sit in my maxi, watch tv while i dirty the sofa with mango pulp,and clean it with my babul's saree , without trying to hide it.
How i need to tell babul and dadu both, that i just cant sleep with both of them on the same bed, coz both keep pushing me there sides, and i keep waking up.
How i need to buy more cucumber, because i have been eating cucumber, more than i eat tomatoes.
How i need to fix the other radio, so that i could sleep to music.
How i need to let Priyabrata know that he may be 30, but he is just 22, when it comes to knowing others.
How i need to meet Mitro aunty more often, now that a month is gone, and im nearing my days back to Delhi.
How i need to talk to her, and ask her to adopt me.
How i need to buy a guitar, and get a tattoo,maybe.
How i need to slap the guy in the metro, i have been seeing, and tell him, that he's an absolute loser, because he likes me.
How i need to stop behaving clumsy, and get on with collecting my strewn articles across the house and look for my delhi bags.
How i need to take babul and dadu out on a ride , before i leave.
How i need to make them understand, that i do love them, and dont think of this house, as a motel,or a rest house.
How i need to sit on the window pane and wait for rain.
How i need to lose weight.
How i need to know my mother.
How i need to do away with a blankness of memory, on her.
How i need to take care of this house, once babul and dadu are dead.
How i think i will not marry,ever.
How i will be all alone in the house, when everyone's dead.
Of whether ill have enough money to keep the maintenance going?
How i need to take a little rest, i have been running too far.


Suddenly, this person from the queue, turns around, asks me.
"are you single?"
I look at him and say, "umm?"
He says, "I mean, are you alone?"
I look around me, and stammer to say"ye-..".
he continues "The auto has space for one more person, and smiles".

I walk away zombily.I was scared that the guy almost got me, until i realized that my stereotypes for a bong guy's linguistic capacity had just gotten proved right.

Sometimes being a grammatical retard helps.

Orange dreams

I cant stop wondering at my propensity to like more than one man at a time, and an even deathlier potential to brood over getting none.

An extraordinary encounter (well, i have a couple to my credit anyway)a few days back, metro kolkata, nice, sweet, maybe even hot, a guy basically.(LOL). Like all rides, this ride too, came to an end, with both of us going our ways.(never mind the eyes-met, violins played).. frankly i guess i am 60 by now, when it comes to such encounters.

Today, i met him again(well,it isn't rocket science. The time, ride and coach were the same, i got on to it unconsciously, looking the most horrible ME, while he maynot have.(- im glad i like myself enough to be believing that still). I Waved at him today, DUDE, pow! , he looked away??

Moving on, i shall take the same metro on monday. And not look at HIM! HAH!

post this venting out.

To be a pervert, is normal. To be a schizo-pervert, is scary.
Men at HT are schizo perverts.
They talk sex, all day long.
Hardly get to do it im guessing.
Erectile dysfunction's something that's a part of their lives by now. I don't mind asking them to see a doctor?

The women are- annoying, jealous of each other, very submissive to lascivious remarks, and absolutely inclined to self idiocy. Basically, i cant make my nest here.
The head editor looks promising,the only one i like. She hardly comes to office.

The men are always interested to know about me, the women cant stop speculating.

I wonder sometimes if this is the way the City desk in HT kolkata works, or everywhere else?
It is kind of sad , that, i cant vent ,out.
I need my certificate.



Moving on, Babul laughs at my expense.
I dont care.
I love her.
She is beautiful.

Just in case, Babul,my grandmother.

Ahoy!, what?

Disclaimer- i'm kind of pissed.

Well, i'm under a debt of 4000 bucks, (thanks to my want of luxury travel)more details of which i shan't reveal.
I have been spending a lot on shoes of late, even though iv been wanting to go get a guitar for myself and maybe a kitten.(yes, i can be THAT mad?)
Not that my shoes are worth the guitar(or the kitten), but they have this saying right? umm.. er..aa..m.. boond boond se banta hai sagar? something-oh bte, kolkata's truly the sagar state rite now.Raining and stuff.
Nevermind.

Im extremely perturbed with how i can manage to while my time away sitting in front of the compute reading about Bluefrog studios , marquez, Ht blogs(btw they are amazing), michael modhusudan dooto, organic food, new japanese short movie and brainstorming on how to stalk people you know(??) on facebook.
Interning here is good idea(HT), but managing a Harry potter, a wannabe Schizo, a jerk-off, more than one perverts and a weird nemesis to Rani mukherjee, all at once, and in a one day framework, is SO TIRING?

My eating habits are sad. I eat in the morning, eat in the afternoon and eat at night.

I have been screwing up people(well, not yet been there literally, seems fun though).I fight, and then I make up, well,i fight, and then I make up.So basically, i have lost that o-my-god-im-so-cool-ill-hangout-with-my-idiotic-self-on-my-own.
I guess i need people to make the perfect evening/afternoons for me now, basically, iv just gotten selfish.
or maybe realised that iv always been that?

I want to party.But my funds look poor (both money and people, since I HAVE SCREWED up both.)My fancy internship can allow me that , but a jerkie is not getting off my head,and i feel indebted to take that person along with me, but im not really that interested, so then..why?
Ok, WTF nevermind.


I have a few more things to write here, but im kind of wondering if my literary capabilities have extinguished for now.

Oh,Ofcourse there is a lot more to write on.
Im not feeling better, yet!!

Rooted caos

Complication, experimentation,combination, permutation of a host of idiotic moments.

You are fed things,always.
You are led, and you tread.

You dont know who YOU are, and you want the whole goddamn world to understand you?!
You want to party, and you want to be left alone.
You want to cry,shut out and you'd want a stranger to know about your story.

Contraries define you, and you seek ONE definition?


Fear, of hitting,getting hit,loving,being left.
Fear ,of annoying, losing,moving,pissing,hissing,kissing, It doesn't matter if sense becomes senseless.

I want to go on a long long walk.
I want to erase human presence around me, 'my' people-i'd like them dead. They wont hold the power to control my subconscious.Well, the conscious is beyond my reach.
I'd wade on a rainy day, drenched in green serenity. Its nice to feel alone, as long as you don't fall into the trap of feeling lonely.Im too old for sunny days now, rain looks promising. Grim,Dust,Mud look fruitful,reminding you of the earth's humanity.

You leave,you are left, you want-to-be, and you push it too hard then.

I have seen 21 summers, and the sunshine doesn't yet wed my smile.

Oh Welcome me back already?

After having begun writing on this platform about two years back , i decided TODAY that i did after all evolve(ahem, a little) since i'd last written here and therefore deleted my previous posts only to make space for some more new re-cycled shit.
YES- I RESURRECTED by blog. (sigh)

i shall begin with my daily affairs soon and some historical referencing shall easily follow.

For now,lets raise a toast to the following poem,while i also sort out how to change the goddamn colour of my blog, quite simultaneously or NOT?

Well,What goes around comes around ehh?then good things do too technically?
why cry therefore? why cry lotto?-Satan

Pink my dreams,your truly -Red.

But your gardener likes the Sun?Why do you then want prometheus to cry?-Cool daddy Zeus.

Be my love?-Toothpaste

I think i'd want to mope a bit,can you stop pushing me down you?-h20

Give me a wire,not some lyre?- Microphone.

The air is just misty now, wonder what love's gotta do with it?-St. Valentine.

War is on baby!-how bout getting that peice of cake NOW!- Tolstoy